um-bur-el-la...

When the sun shines, we shine together.
Told you I'd be here forever,
That I'd always be your friend.
Took an oath, gonna stick it out to the end
Now that it's raining more than ever,
Know that we still have each other.
You can stand under my umbrella,
You can stand under my umbrella.



Taking a side from the fact that the word "umbrella" is a only 3 syllable word and Rhianna managed to stretch it out into 4, the lyrics to this song are quite nice and are pretty sweet.

You can run into my arms,
It's OK don't be alarmed. Come into me.
So gonna let the rain pour,
I'll be all you need and more.

Because...
When the sun shines, we shine together.
Told you I'd be here forever,
That I'd always be your friend.
Took an oath, gonna stick it out to the end.
Now that it's raining more than ever,
Know that we still have each other.
You can stand under my umbrella,
You can stand under my umbrella.


... Just note I'm pretty short. A whole 155cm and counting. So you may have to crouch down a bit (or a lot). Or if you just want some company jumping puddles, I'm down. And if you need em, I have rubber boots too. They're purple.

... just sayin'

it's the most -not-so- wonderful time of the year...

Over the past couple of weeks, it has been an unusually upsetting/disappointing time to see back-to-school deals/promos and to pass by G&T and/or Staples (formerly Business Depot... I remember being so upset that they changed the name, who knows why... That transition was a difficult one for me... Metro on the other hand did not phase me... but it's probably because I had some weird attachment to Business Depot...anyway?? ). Why? I did not get to partake in one of my most FAVOUUURRIITEEE activities of the year: Back to school shopping. End of august always gets me nostalgic as I think about fresh, crisp, new, lined Hilroy paper. Max 8 per household, 44 cents per package. To maximize on the deal, my sister and I would have to stand in different lines at cash out. 44 cents, a serious steal (or at least it was, when it was 44 cents... stupid inflation). Papermate/BIC pens, 2HB pencils, pencil sharpener, pencil crayons, duo-tangs, scissors and glue sticks. If I was lucky I'd get a new pencil case (wuuudduppp!). Memories of happily & eagerly  pushing the shopping cart down the designated aisles, while I asked my dad if I could get whatever item I had in my hand,  truly believing I REALLYYYY & actually needed it in order to excel at school and be an optimal student. In middle school, the hype was all about FIVE STAR ZIP UP BINDERS that you ended up destroying by covering it in white-out drawings & your friend's signatures - Jenni wuz here (stupid kids). As I got older, it went onto lead pencils, gel pens, high-lighters galore, roll on-dry white-out (no more waiting for it to dry, no more clumps… even though one of my fave things to do was to paint my nails with white out), post its, INK!, printer paper and binders.  The high-school hype was all about the translucent plastic binders with the different colours on the spine (purple, pink, orange, green). I used to always ask my papabear to buy those binders for me but his rebuttal was always "why would we buy those for 3 bucks each when we could get the cardboard ones for 99 cents?" For real.  Good thinking pops, cuz they ended up breaking on my friends all the time. suckers. Back to school always brings back good memories, good times..... this time of year is usually always so exciting - riping open the packages and organizing your brand new supplies- O, the complete awe!

Maybe I'm more upset because I am no longer a student and have no need to go "back to school shopping." This mere thought freaks me out. I've been going to school 19 years now (did I do that math right?) and I don't know how to be anything else. I am a student, or when you get into university, a number and walking dollar signs $$ (haha). Does this mean I'm supposed to be an adult now? Not to mention, in a couple of months I'm expected to be a HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL? Oh dear goodness... Responsibilities, Accountability.... Real life. Scary….. Right?!?!

But I have been able to supress the fears of adulthood as I have been studying for my Nursing Lisencing/Certification Exam. Just because you have a Bachelor of Science in Nursing, doesn't mean you are a nurse… yet.  So over the last couple of weeks I have resumed the life of a student, studying for dear life.  Due to my crunch time, I started a strict schedule with very little room for leighway.

My days kinda look like this:
0745: Wake up
0900-1600: Work
1700-1900: Exercise/Work out & shower
1900: Dinner
1930:  Study until brain shuts down
(0100-0300) to 0745: Sleep

Repeat.

Having structure back in my day is so refreshing. Without school, my life feels unorganized, almost chaotic.  Having too much time on your hands is a little scary. Too much room for flexibility, no routine….. So as soon as I started studying again, I was able to have structure/routine in my life again…. Mind you, I have no time for a social life, but I feel organized again… and for those who know me, know how much I LOOOVEEEEEE organization. YAY FOR NERDINESS!

The countdown begins, I have about 3 weeks until my exam that will determine whether or not I am fit to be a Registered Nurse… no shitting around folks. Socialization & Procrastination is not permitted (although inefficiency, unproductivity and of course well deserved "study breaks" are not accounted for in this no procrastination rule... We can't control everythingggg now, C'mon).

To be a nurse, or not a nurse... To be continued.

CAUTION, Flammable.

Or at least I wish that was the sign on my heart. After yesterday’s sermon at church, I got a real REALITY CHECK. Even though I feel like I’ve heard the sermon about being a “lukewarm” Christian, over and over, it really only hit me this time around. Maybe it’s because I’ve either matured enough spiritually to admit my faults, or maybe it’s because it’s the only time I really felt like I could actually relate. Over the last couple of months, I’ve been comfortable, in status quo. I had no second thoughts about it. I thought I had “just enough God in my life” that both God and I would be happy (haha, right).

This “flame” of mine has definitely been flickering, but I barely noticed. I was so satisfied with being content, I didn’t seek out more. [How silly is that? Why drive a Civic when you can drive a Cadillac?] When you’re in a situation long enough, you get so used to it that you forget what once was, or what something could be… something better. My flame used to be this HUGE CRAZY FIRE… the kind where you could see the smoke and light from meters away (well maybe not meters, but a couple of steps… but in comparison, it’s a big deal). But over the years, it’s died down and I haven’t even tried to fan it, I haven’t bothered to do anything. Once in a while, I may have thrown in a couple of twigs to make sure it didn’t burn out… but no logs, no lighter fluid. I really need to bring it back. I want to be on FIRE again...to feel the intensity, the passion. I guess the first step is realizing it. Step 2, here I come.

There must be more than this
Oh breath of God, Come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill me anew I pray…

Consuming fire, fan into flame
A passion for you name
Spirit of God, fall in this place
Lord, have your way with me

where's my goose?

Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck….. duck, duck, duck, duck… and it goes ‘round and 'round. DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK! It just seems like it goes on forever...

You wait patiently until someone taps you on your head and yells “GOOSE!” giving you permission to get up and run your hardest; to run as fast as your legs will take you to your next destination (with respect to the game, it’s the exact same spot lol)

Over the last couple of months, I feel like I’ve been a sitting duck, waiting for my “goose.” I finished my nursing program a couple of months ago. However due to the set up of my program, I finished in June when most new nursing graduates finish in April. So basically, they beat you to the punch and get first dibbs on employment and we have to wait around until next season’s intake. So, I’ve been out of school for almost 3 months now, I have been applying to jobs for over 5 months. Positions in which don’t start until after September… so I patiently wait and wait and wait, hoping to hear back when the timing is more appropriate (closer to the hire date). QUAACCKKK!

People think that the job market for nursing is on fire and since the demand is so high, finding a job should be easy! Correction! YOU ARE WRONG. Despite the need and dire demand for more nurses, hospital budgets sometimes just can’t support their own need. What does that mean? Only a few positions open up. What does that mean? COMPETITION IS ON!

I had my first interview yesterday at Sick Kids. It was only a first level, HR screening interview, but it was so nerve racking, yet so exciting. You know, working at the Hospital for Sick Children is only my dream job (haha). I feel like it went well. I made sure to use all the right fluffy nursing buzz words (not that I don’t believe them to be true, but sometimes we embellish) . I received a lot of smiles, head nodding, “goods” and “greats” but she was an overall really nice woman so I couldn’t really gauge what was REALLY going on in her head. Did I sound fake? Did I sound rehearsed? REGARDLESS, now I wait and hope that she will pass my resume onto the units on the hospital that are still hiring and that the unit managers will feel compelled to call me for a second level interview. FINGERS CROSSED!!

One of my biggest fears is that, MY DREAM, MY DESIRES isn’t necessarily what God wants for me (I’d like to think that I have this deep desire because God planted it there). I want it so bad, that I’m hoping that, that’s what God has planned for me too (horrah!).  Lord, O sovereign God, almighty father in heaven, if this is your will, may I do all things through YOUR might and not my own. Bless me with patience & perseverance and may all my intentions be pure… to bring glory to YOUR name and kingdom in heaven.  In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Patience is a sign of good faith.  So I’ll sit here waiting, knowing and believing that God knows best and that things will come at the right time. As I wait God to call out “GOOSE” I will proceed patiently and continue to apply, apply, apply, apply!

So the wait continues. Duck, duck, duck duck…..

confessions continued...

I like to clean my house while in the nude (minus my trusty yellow gloves, obviously). Naked cleaning is awesome... until you get nasty splash back. True story.

Stupid in love.

Over the years as we inevitably experience life and mature (or at least most of us), the little girl starts to grow up into what is called "woman-hood." The fairytales begin to fade away as reality settles in. But what is it called when you seem to be in between? Caught in the middle? (As Britney would say, "not yet a girl, but not yet a woman" LOL). You go through harmless crushes; stalker-like, school-girl obsessions (no, just me? Haha) with all the butterflies and "melting". You have memorable relationships, those you wish to forget and those you have already forgotten; Then there's love and of course, heartbreak. I find that the older "women" in my life have crossed that bridge of sunshine & lollipops, into the cynical world of real life. Life where shit hits the fan, where you have bills to pay, where there are no pretty rainbows after thunderstorms  and where ice cream is no longer a tasty treat but a guilty pleasure that just makes you fat, and you come to learn this only after you realize, he's just not that into you.  Oh yea, and prince charming does not exist lol. [shock]. So sleeping beauty, get an alarm clock and wake yourself up; Cinderella, expect your fairy God mother to bill you for the outfit that was OBVIOUSLY, not in your budget; Snow white, you shoulda really learned the Heimlich maneuver. And Belle, OH Belle, I'm sorry but he's never going to change.

Is it that bad that I won't want to close my story book? Is it that bad I want to keep it open and wait, and hope for my happily ever after? Does that make me optimistic? Naïve? Or just stupid?

I used to be the BIGGEST, hopeless romantic (aka. Loser lol.) Head-over-heels for love. The "you're the only one for me, let's grow old together" kind of love. Simply put, I was in love with love… and a part of me still is (you don't forget your first love lol).  You think you have all the answers, but then you realize that everything isn't as its cracked up to be…. As I begin to cross the bridge into reality, the romantic in me starts to disappear. For one, it makes "love-life" more complicated than it is… you're left hoping that the guy you're with or want to be with, will be a prince charming, or that your "frog" will transform with time & patience…. But when he turns out  NOT being your knight in shining armor, what then? With all that build up, who wouldn't be disappointed or hurt?

Reality sucks, but it's smart. It's not that I'm talking from a heartbreaking experience that makes me this skeptical… but as you get older, you realize how the risk of heartbreak increases exponentially… and right now, its every woman for herself… to "man" up and face the rolls & punches of real life.  So for now, I'll close my story book but leave a bookmark, JUST IN CASE :p

thank you

Dear God,
Thank you for moments of happiness & laughter. Thank you for times of struggle and opportunities for strength, faith & perseverance. Thank you for all the things I take for granted. Thank you for being the graceful God that you are, who waits patiently every time I fall and embraces me with open arms even when I push you away. Thank you for blessing me with such wonderful & loving friends and family.  Thank you for loving me.

May I always remember to be thankful. Thank you. 

xoxo Jenni

head vs. heart

When you're going through a struggle, people usually tell you its just "mind over matter" but what happens when its the matter of the heart? I feel like there's always a tug-of-war between what's in your head and what's in your heart. A push & pull between what you know (or think you know) and what you feel (or think you feel)... but what do you really know and what do you really feel [?] especially if you don't know what you're feeling...

How do you just let it all become one? No more back and forth.. but just a stand still.

Confessions of ...

Since I do not have eventful moments in my life to share with you... because quite frankly, my life just isnt all that interesting.. I thought I would share some random information about me with you

1) I have minimal patience when I am tired, hungry and/or cranky. Although I can compose myself and remain polite... I HAVE NO TOLERANCE FOR IDIOT SERVERS who think they're cute by being "funny"... or who think they are flirting with you by delaying the process of receiving your desired food product. Secretly I wish for you to crawl into a cave and be eaten by bears who have woken up from hibernation.

Scenario A:  At timmie's in the morning needing a quick pick me since I am exhausted out of my senses (which are generally required on the job) and in a rush to get on the unit on time for shift change
Me: Can I have a Medium Regular
Cash: Sorry we're out of coffee, it'll be a 15 min wait
M: Seriously?
C: Sorry, Can I offer you some tea?
M: Ok, I'll have a med green tea
C: Sorry out of that too
M: (wtfrig, u gotta be kidding me) Ummm OK, early grey then
C: All we have is peppermint
M: Seriously? then WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
C:  Just jokkkinnngg, you wanted a coffee right? 

Scenario B: At subway, getting my toppings on my sub. Famished, starved....I haven't had anything to eat since my bowl of cereal and just pulled a hectic 12 hr shift.
Me: I'll have everything except for pickles
Boy: Everything?
Me: except for the pickles
Boy: You want this? (points to EACH TOPPING, as I nod yes and go through each topping with a fake smile as he is trying to be funny)
Me: Can I have a lot of onions please?
Boy: Is this enough? (Essentially grabbing all the contents in the tin in his plastic covered hand)
Me:  No, not that much .. (With a weak laugh)
Boy:  This much? (Drops all the onions and grabs a pinch)
Me: Haha. no a little more (you stupid idiot, i hate you so much right now)

CUT THE CRAP AND JUST GIVE ME MY  FREAKINNN FOOD!

1b) I love food. Consumption of food is NEVER A JOKING MATTER.

2)I find it absolutely refreshing to have a good, I mean GOOD, ddong. In other words, laying a deuce, #2, passing stool, clearing your bowels... good old poo. Without exertion or use of the valsalva maneuver, the ease of perfect passage. ANNND its THAT much better when there is minimal scent associated with the act.... so that you don't have to worry about the next person who's going to go into the washroom after you. Complete satisfaction.

3) When I check out men in public, after the initial assessment of face and clothes.... my eyes IMMEDIATELY go to their shoes. Why? I don't know. I don't even have a shoe fetish like many girls do. Don't get me wrong, I love pretty shoes... but probably own about 5 that I actually wear. For some reason it is a complete turn off when I see men in track-running shoes as everyday wear shoes.... when the laces are so tightly criss-crossed that the tip of the shoe begins to curl up.... or when your shoes look like you they have been sitting in a bucket of mud and its obvious you are NOT a labour worker.....*shudder*  One of my weird superficial and shallow confessions.

4) I have a salt tooth. As many people have a sugar tooth and crave sweets and chocolate, I crave salty foods. I'll try to avoid the craving because they are usually associated with foods in the genre of JUNK... but once I have a craving, no food can fill the void and hence I binge and over eat on other foods that are not as satisfying... and end up consuming more fats and calories than the intial craving.  It is quite upsetting and pathetic.

5) I get pleasure from cleaning and organizing. When I am stressed or upset, my favourite past time is to clean, tidy and reorganize my room. It feels soooo good to see a clean room.... to open my drawers and closet and see my clothes neatly folded (in a specific pattern for different types of clothes and placed in a specific direction) and hung (all facing a the same direction - face to the right - and particular order). It irritates me when you mess the order up. People have tested it and have felt my wrath.

... just sayin'

Summer lovin'

Over the last couple of days, the weather has been extremely beautiful AND hot. On my lunch breaks, I've been going outside to enjoy the sun and heat... The rays of sun feel so good on your skin (and maybe it feels better because I'm hoping it'll help out my poor pale pasty white skin).... HOWEVER, the downfall of this wonderful weather...esp for those who know me.... that means sweat. S-W-E-A-T. For goodness sake, the crease btwn my biceps and forearms (by ur elbow) is sweating as I write this post!! (I'm outside on my bb btw). Sweat, my ultimate enemy.... Hence heat becomes my primary rival during the summer months... Sweat doesn't feel that "hot" when a girl leaves sexy pit stains on her shirts.... Nor does she seem professional when her scrubs are pit stained. So today during my lunch break, I remembered to bring a tank top to change into. FATASTICAL IDEA FRIENDS. Now I can bake and sweat in peace without judgment.

Anywho, just thought I'd use some of my well spent lunch break to update this blog that no one reads...

Have a good day friends!

just my luck

So I've been having a pretty crappy week regarding money.

Over the weekend, I made a payment of over $650 and then TODAY I took out another $320 in cash to make another payment (re: crappy week because I obviously don't have the means to pay for this). So at the bank I placed all the twenties in the envelop that they make available for clients by the bank machine and placed the envelop into my wallet. But because the envelops today have the pre-glued seal, I didn't seal it because I wanted to take the $20 out for myself for later... and because the envelop is wider than my wallet, I wasn't able to close my wallet. This afternoon, it was 20 degrees out. Gorgeous. So I decided to put my windows down as I drove. This afternoon, it was windy out. THIS AFTERNOON, A GUST OF WIND BLEW MY WALLET OPEN AND BLEW ALL MY MONEY OUT OF MY WINDOW!!!! THIS AFTERNOON, I LOST $120 OUT THE WINDOW!!!! (The saying "money out the window" and "I just blew $blank amount of money" has new meaning for me now). wwwwwwwwwwwttttttttttffffffffffffffffff! FML indeed! I wanted to do an illegal  U-turn but there was a police man infront of me so I made a proper turn around parked my car and ran after my money hoping some would still be around. I followed light garbage around hoping it would follow the direction of the wind and guide me to my lost 20 dollar bills... this failed me after 30 minutes. BUTTT!! I found up to $60... so technically I lost $60 this afternoon. There was a woman at the bus stop who saw the money fly out, the same woman watched me look for the money.... i bet you she sniped a couple of twenties. I feel super. 

eff you nature. effffffff you.

hello.

Lionel Richie - Hello
When I heard this duet on Glee a couple of weeks ago, I got absolute chills (open above link in new tab). I love it when songs and artists can do that... especially with classics such as Lionel Richie. When they start to harmonize, my heart just starts to melt and hold back the lip syncing. It's definitely on the ipod and as I do with any of the current songs I'm feeling, I over play them until they die lol.

Listening to music is definitely one of my means of escaping the world and my greatest means of catharsis. Whenever I am going through something in my life that pushes me to reflect and think things over, I try to find a song that matches how I'm feeling... I like to call them my "theme songs" (Ya I know, LOSER). But life is so much easier when you find the perfect song that just sings your feelings for you. Its like venting & unwinding on repeat... its so refreshing... cathartic. Its the best when you're just listening to you ipod to relax and take your mind off things and then BAM, the lyrics to the song you're listening to is everything you've been thinking. Awesome.

The lyrics to this song are so sad, I hope it never becomes one of my theme songs. That would suck. 

I've been alone with you inside my mind and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times. I sometimes see you pass outside my door. Hello, is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile. You're all I've ever wanted and my arms are open wide. 'Cause you know just what to say and you know just what to do and I want to tell you so much, I love you ...  I long to see the sunlight in your hair and tell you time and time again how much I care. Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow. Hello, I've just got to let you know,  'Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?  Tell me how to win your heart for I haven't got a clue. But let me start by saying, I love you ... Hello, is it me you're looking for? 'Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart. For I haven't got a clue. But let me start by saying ... I love you.

Dear Love, 
I am not ready for you and I refuse to be a fool for you... So stay away, but come back some other time... But don't take too long becase I wanna get hitched by the time I'm 30. Thanks.

Warmest Regards,
Jenni, former hopeless romantic transitioning cynic.

hmmm...

Ever find it interesting how different people bring out your different qualities?  How certain friends bring out the immature, fun-loving child in you, others bring out the more "chill" laid back and relaxed version of you or even sometimes, some people bring out the mature and responsible version of you?  So at first I thought: "Am I being fake if I can be such a different person around different people - if my personality isn't necessarily consistent throughout?" But after thinking about it a little more, It's more about how  different people emphasize different aspects about you and it seems like they just enhance/ activate that quality about you when you're around them. Sometimes for better or for worse (because its not always the best qualities about you that may be emphasized). Sometimes its because you need to maintain some sort of balance within the relationship (one should be the responsible one if the other is going to be a mess). Sometimes the other person's personality and behaviour just makes it too difficult for you to abstain from doing the exact same thing (I'm not talking about peer pressure, but you get what I'm saying right?) ..But sometimes some people just bring out the worst in you. The uptight, irritable, frustrated and angry bitch/jerk you never want to be, but you just can't help it when you're around this person. Maybe you shouldn't be hanging out with this person in the first place.... but then you have to wonder, why does this person bring out the worst in you?

Anyway, that was my useless ponderment (YEA, I said ponderment, don't pretend like you don't know what it means even if I DID make up the word just now) ... but you know me, just sayin'

night time isn't always for sleeping.

I have survived my first night shift. 7pm-7am. I am not going to lie, it was definitely NOT easy, but not as bad as I had imagined. It doesn't help that all the patient rooms are dark [to help the babies relax and fall asleep]... but when you work over night in a dark room, holding a tiny baby that barely fits in your arms in a rocking chair, swinging back and forth... you're just begging to fall asleep; It's not what I'd like to call an adrenaline rush.... but there's something about night shifts on the NICU that I just love. I haven't figured it out yet but everything on the unit just fascinates me. I am so glad that this has been everything I wanted and more, and I know it will only continue to exceedingly surpass my expectations.

At night, everything is [generally] quiet - you get accustomed to all the monitors & IV pumps going off;  the alarms and beeping almost become rhythmic background noise - its like a little secret dream land tucked away for tiny sick babies who need to sleep and just need to get better. 

Neonatal nursing is definitely where I am supposed to be. 

Because I am in love.

 Maybe I'm still in the honeymoon stage because I'm still a "noob"...  Regardless,

L.O.V.E, love.

 

It's weird because I Can't remember that last time I felt so passionate about something... It honestly feels SO GOOD to know that you have found yourself in a place doing something you LOVE; something that challenges, inspires and drives you... It's as if going to school for the past 15 years of my life and over 30Gs of student debt was worth it because  I'm finally here. (I just need to find a hospital to hire me)

Can't wait to see the rest of you guys here with me, because it feels  AMAZING. 

the march curse is officially broken.

Since March of 1999, I have suffered from what I would like to call my "March Curse."  It was usually associated with silly, mindless things like 'boy relations' or 'birthday blues' but regardless of whatever it was, or however stupid it was, it was a big deal for me then and something would always make feel extremely upset, disappointed, frustrated or make me cry.

Last year, 2009 was the first curse-less March, but I had to wait another year, just to make sure.... and this year's March couldn't have been better. Minus the stress of a 50% paper that was worth one full credit equivalent, 2010's March has been great! Good times, good laughs, great friends and most surprisingly, 2010 March made the list for "best birthdays" (this is surprising because I am usually a horrific birthday girl cynic). On top of this all, the last couple weeks have been jam packed with excitement and anticipation to finally finish school and start my practicum at Sick kids.  

I'm actually really happy right now with a lot of things in my life and I can't remember the last time I felt like this. It actually weirds me out re: how satisfied I am with life. [Don't get me wrong, I am still motivated to achieve my goals and refuse to be content with status quo]. It just feels so good to be without so much worry, concern and stress (especially compared to me at this time last year). It feels so good to be more relaxed, less uptight about things and to be without feelings of restlessness and anxiety when I'm not in control of things. Mind you, I am still meticulous in my ways and have OCD like tendencies when it comes to organization, but the more "laid back, go with the flow, let's see what happens" Jenni is a happier Jenni. Let's keep her around.

happy.

Someone once told me
That you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything

Don’t you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain
Cause love wont set you free

I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me
So what if I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound

Don’t care about other pain in front of me
Cause I’m just trying to be happy,
Just wanna be happy

... find out what makes you happy, and just do it. No experience, decision made should be regretted (especially if we learn more about ourselves through the process). ORR even worse, don't regret not doing something that would make you happy because its "safer" to be against it... In my opinion, I never want to wonder "what if..."

I think Leona has got it just right.

Doing the Unthinkable

One day, after a realllyyyy long, exhausting hike, you come up to a dark cave by the beach along the shore.... When the rain starts coming down. You want to go inside the cave because you want shelter and warmth and you know it will give you the satisfaction you need to stay protected from the rain. But you're debating if you should go in because its really dark inside and you don't know what to expect; you dont even have a flash light. Then, you see a BRIGHT YELLOW SIGN that says "CAUTION, BEARS INSIDE, ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK."

Would you be a fool for walking into the cave when there's a CLEAR SIGN advising you against such action? Or would you be a fool to sit outside of the cave, getting drenched (placing yourself at risk for pneumonia) and realizing the bears inside were baby cubs... all cuddly, warm and soft? Do you go in, respecting the cautionary tale, because you WANT to make sure there are no bears, to experience it for yourself (regardless of the warning) and face the potential danger of man eating bears? Or do we stay outside, because we know better than that!?

If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy?

ps. can u tell i like to talk in analogies?

... and the countdown begins.

I officially have 3 weeks of school left. I am 1 presentation, 1 paper and a bunch of random useless evaluations away from the freedom that will become me. April 9, 2010, my last ACADEMIC day of my nursing degree. WHO IS FREAAAKKINNNN EXCITED! Then I start my consolidation/final practicum at the Hospital for Sick Children at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for about 2 months. Excitement is definitely in the air. I can't wait to get back into the hospital and do the thing nurses do (haha). Then, for the big day, [drum roll please].... JUNE 24, 2010, I am officially done.... FOREVER!!! (or until I come back to do my Nurse Practitioner, but that's not for another 3 years, nor does that sound as dramatic as "Forever" so we will ignore that little detail).

Apparently, the world is telling me I need to be an adult soon with a career. Well I guess that only makes sense after pouring over 30Gs into my educations (aaaand that includes my 20G scholarship that helped buffer that cost)... So I better get a jump on that career if I want to start paying back my student loans. But seriously, who needs a Bachelor of Science ANDD a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. Whhhhattt I wastee of monnnnaayyy...

Dear OSAP,
Thank you for supporting me for the last 5 years through tuition, rent, groceries, bills and even supporting my shopping sprees and vacations. Its fun to reminisce about all those memorable moments we've shared... All the scares and angry times, when you told me you were only going to give me enough money to pay for HALF my tuition....AND remember that time you sent me a letter and made me cry because you told me I needed to give you all your money back even though I needed it? Thanks for all the good times and ALL THE MORE greatness that lies in our future.... I just ask of one thing, please be good to me in the years to come and I promise Ill try to make my payments on time.

Your long time companion and foe,

Jenni. aka. broke ass mother father who relies on you to live.

negative nine point eight meters per second squared.

i didn't realize what was happening,

so stop bringing me down.

i may have be prepared for the impact,

but i'm not ready to touch ground.

So I stretch out my arms,  hoping for air resistance.

I reach out my hands, looking for something to hold on to.

but it keeps working against me.

damn.

Reality bites.

... not only does it bite, it bites [hard] AND leaves a mark.

Frig.

So when reality bites, don't be a fool.... bite back.

Over the last couple of months, I've been getting to know myself a bit better...I've been learning about my  own boundaries and limits. Feeling out what I like, what I don't like. What I want, what I don't want. What I need, what I don't need. Things that make me uncomfortable, things that I am willing to try regardless of feeling uncomfortable. What I tend to do, what I would never do. Things I can tolerate and things I need to be more assertive about ...Its definitely been an interesting journey of self discovery.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a certain type of person. Predictable. But recently, I've come across a new box of crayons with a wide range of vibrant colours, colours I've never used before. Its not about the basic 8-pack anymore, but about busting out the 64-colour pack with the built in sharpener (who knew crayola would be so efficient). Who needs the standard blue, rose, violet and yellow when you can be using Magic mint, Jazzberry jam and Laser lemon. I cant help but explore and see what all the different colours look like and even dare say... to  colour outside the lines.

But as I'm colouring,  I come to realize, the template I thought I needed to follow isn't even there.... but I have a blank page of endless possibilities.  Colour away I say, Colour away ! Lets try out these bad boys and draw me an awesome picture. 

On a side note:

who remembers that movie?  The days before winona became a kleptomaniac?

my rock.

The wise man built his house upon a rock,
the rains came down & the floods came up
but the house upon the rock stood fast.

waiting for eventually

I missed a beat or something.
                          I've lost the rhythm,
             I'm all out of sync.
                               When did I lose count?

                   Where did the tempo go?

                                 I can't even hear the tune anymore.
          I'm waiting for it to finish,
but it just keeps on skipping...
               I hope it's not stuck on repeat. 

Mr. dj, can you spin the next track for me?

What's that I'm Tasting?

I have encountered funny tasting fruit. I always ask my mother to pack a fruit in my lunch (yes, my mom still packs my lunch for school- don't judge, be jealous). At lunch time, when I take a bite into my health snack, I cant help but kringe after every bite....my apple has a funky after taste? Has it gone bad?

Because I hate wasting food, I keep chomping away wondering what this mystery flavour is, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.  By the end of the day I forget about this initial inquiry until I am faced with it again the next day at lunch time.... As such, this has been going on for a while now and I have no sherlock in me to figure it out.... until one day on my search for fruit in the kitchen, I found apples.......in the kimchi fridge.

That funky after taste? Garlic. That mystery flavour? Fermented cabbage. Awesome. Mystery solved.

Dear umma, please stop putting the fruit in the kimchi fridge because all my applies taste like kimchi.

How jenni needs her groove back.

I've lost my nerd. I have misplaced the keener in me and am in dire need to "get my groove back." Unfortunately, I wont be able to take any pointers from Stella (except for the fact that a trip to Jamaica would be fantastic right about now) because I doubt a romantic love affair with a person half my age would do me any good (especially at my age, I'm pretty sure that's just WRONG and ILLEGAL- although I wouldn't mind getting a little mixed up with Taye Diggs)... nor would added distraction contribute to a healthy academia.

So instead, I procrastinate and stress about how stupid I am for procrastinating and then I allow the guilt to creep up because I know I should be trying harder because I know I can....I'm smarter than that, I think.  BUT! I let the exhausted, burnt out, lazy student in me take over because I am lacking academic stimulation, the root of my motivation, hard work and learning. Apparently my brain went on strike and the nerd and keener are picketing for better learning conditions... interest, passion,motivation, time management, less caffeine and more sleep!

This is going to be a long 3 months :(

s.o.s

I am shipwrecked, and have been washed ashore.

The island is deserted, the island is quiet.
I am alone, left to my own devices.
I am allowed to be selfish, I am allowed to be ignorant.

The island is pleasant, the island is refreshing.
I am comfortable, left to my own narcissism.
I am not judged, I am not guilty.

The island is blinding, the island is dark.
I am careless, left to my own direction.
I am distracted, I am lost.

The island is lonely, the island is empty.
I am exhausted, left to my own defeat.
I am despareate, I am reaching.

I am shipwrecked, and now seek resue.

...Changing who I've been to who I need to be

right?!

and!!
Both John Smith & Jake Sully
were good looking fellows!  
AGREED.

I've got a feeling...

2010 is going to be a good year. 

Many things in my life are changing and will only continue to change into the new year, and for the better. Recently, I've put on a new lens, a new perspective, a REFRESHING outlook of life:

Live it up, no regrets &

never leave yourself wondering 

"what if?" 

There are too many opprotunities out there to stay comfortable, to settle and to never take chances... So the way I see it, Dive in, take risks, seek challenges & new grounds.... embrace it, conquer it, gain new experiences and learn from every minute of it.

Bringing jenni version 2.0!   

 NEW [but not necessarily improved]

So do what you have to do and don't make it anybody's business....
because "wtfc?" (that one's for you karen)

... oh ya, i'm definiately feeling this.

Blogging initiation Complete

Apparently I'm supposed to have something interesting to say, something that's inspirational. Apparently "good blogs" are those that are funny, yet well articulated AND are written effortlessly[?]

But in REALITY, I'm not that fancy, nor can I pretend to be.... (C'mon my english teacher told me that I have poor writing skills) So I'm going to keep it simple, keep it real ....

As such,I'll start it off with a  

WUDDUP FRIENDS, 
im excited to get back into the world of blogging; sharing useless information with you

and my thought for the day:

 "one should really stop eating when
buttons from their shirt pops off"

... but you know, I'm just sayin'