CAUTION, Flammable.

Or at least I wish that was the sign on my heart. After yesterday’s sermon at church, I got a real REALITY CHECK. Even though I feel like I’ve heard the sermon about being a “lukewarm” Christian, over and over, it really only hit me this time around. Maybe it’s because I’ve either matured enough spiritually to admit my faults, or maybe it’s because it’s the only time I really felt like I could actually relate. Over the last couple of months, I’ve been comfortable, in status quo. I had no second thoughts about it. I thought I had “just enough God in my life” that both God and I would be happy (haha, right).

This “flame” of mine has definitely been flickering, but I barely noticed. I was so satisfied with being content, I didn’t seek out more. [How silly is that? Why drive a Civic when you can drive a Cadillac?] When you’re in a situation long enough, you get so used to it that you forget what once was, or what something could be… something better. My flame used to be this HUGE CRAZY FIRE… the kind where you could see the smoke and light from meters away (well maybe not meters, but a couple of steps… but in comparison, it’s a big deal). But over the years, it’s died down and I haven’t even tried to fan it, I haven’t bothered to do anything. Once in a while, I may have thrown in a couple of twigs to make sure it didn’t burn out… but no logs, no lighter fluid. I really need to bring it back. I want to be on FIRE again...to feel the intensity, the passion. I guess the first step is realizing it. Step 2, here I come.

There must be more than this
Oh breath of God, Come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill me anew I pray…

Consuming fire, fan into flame
A passion for you name
Spirit of God, fall in this place
Lord, have your way with me

where's my goose?

Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck….. duck, duck, duck, duck… and it goes ‘round and 'round. DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK! It just seems like it goes on forever...

You wait patiently until someone taps you on your head and yells “GOOSE!” giving you permission to get up and run your hardest; to run as fast as your legs will take you to your next destination (with respect to the game, it’s the exact same spot lol)

Over the last couple of months, I feel like I’ve been a sitting duck, waiting for my “goose.” I finished my nursing program a couple of months ago. However due to the set up of my program, I finished in June when most new nursing graduates finish in April. So basically, they beat you to the punch and get first dibbs on employment and we have to wait around until next season’s intake. So, I’ve been out of school for almost 3 months now, I have been applying to jobs for over 5 months. Positions in which don’t start until after September… so I patiently wait and wait and wait, hoping to hear back when the timing is more appropriate (closer to the hire date). QUAACCKKK!

People think that the job market for nursing is on fire and since the demand is so high, finding a job should be easy! Correction! YOU ARE WRONG. Despite the need and dire demand for more nurses, hospital budgets sometimes just can’t support their own need. What does that mean? Only a few positions open up. What does that mean? COMPETITION IS ON!

I had my first interview yesterday at Sick Kids. It was only a first level, HR screening interview, but it was so nerve racking, yet so exciting. You know, working at the Hospital for Sick Children is only my dream job (haha). I feel like it went well. I made sure to use all the right fluffy nursing buzz words (not that I don’t believe them to be true, but sometimes we embellish) . I received a lot of smiles, head nodding, “goods” and “greats” but she was an overall really nice woman so I couldn’t really gauge what was REALLY going on in her head. Did I sound fake? Did I sound rehearsed? REGARDLESS, now I wait and hope that she will pass my resume onto the units on the hospital that are still hiring and that the unit managers will feel compelled to call me for a second level interview. FINGERS CROSSED!!

One of my biggest fears is that, MY DREAM, MY DESIRES isn’t necessarily what God wants for me (I’d like to think that I have this deep desire because God planted it there). I want it so bad, that I’m hoping that, that’s what God has planned for me too (horrah!).  Lord, O sovereign God, almighty father in heaven, if this is your will, may I do all things through YOUR might and not my own. Bless me with patience & perseverance and may all my intentions be pure… to bring glory to YOUR name and kingdom in heaven.  In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Patience is a sign of good faith.  So I’ll sit here waiting, knowing and believing that God knows best and that things will come at the right time. As I wait God to call out “GOOSE” I will proceed patiently and continue to apply, apply, apply, apply!

So the wait continues. Duck, duck, duck duck…..

confessions continued...

I like to clean my house while in the nude (minus my trusty yellow gloves, obviously). Naked cleaning is awesome... until you get nasty splash back. True story.

Stupid in love.

Over the years as we inevitably experience life and mature (or at least most of us), the little girl starts to grow up into what is called "woman-hood." The fairytales begin to fade away as reality settles in. But what is it called when you seem to be in between? Caught in the middle? (As Britney would say, "not yet a girl, but not yet a woman" LOL). You go through harmless crushes; stalker-like, school-girl obsessions (no, just me? Haha) with all the butterflies and "melting". You have memorable relationships, those you wish to forget and those you have already forgotten; Then there's love and of course, heartbreak. I find that the older "women" in my life have crossed that bridge of sunshine & lollipops, into the cynical world of real life. Life where shit hits the fan, where you have bills to pay, where there are no pretty rainbows after thunderstorms  and where ice cream is no longer a tasty treat but a guilty pleasure that just makes you fat, and you come to learn this only after you realize, he's just not that into you.  Oh yea, and prince charming does not exist lol. [shock]. So sleeping beauty, get an alarm clock and wake yourself up; Cinderella, expect your fairy God mother to bill you for the outfit that was OBVIOUSLY, not in your budget; Snow white, you shoulda really learned the Heimlich maneuver. And Belle, OH Belle, I'm sorry but he's never going to change.

Is it that bad that I won't want to close my story book? Is it that bad I want to keep it open and wait, and hope for my happily ever after? Does that make me optimistic? Naïve? Or just stupid?

I used to be the BIGGEST, hopeless romantic (aka. Loser lol.) Head-over-heels for love. The "you're the only one for me, let's grow old together" kind of love. Simply put, I was in love with love… and a part of me still is (you don't forget your first love lol).  You think you have all the answers, but then you realize that everything isn't as its cracked up to be…. As I begin to cross the bridge into reality, the romantic in me starts to disappear. For one, it makes "love-life" more complicated than it is… you're left hoping that the guy you're with or want to be with, will be a prince charming, or that your "frog" will transform with time & patience…. But when he turns out  NOT being your knight in shining armor, what then? With all that build up, who wouldn't be disappointed or hurt?

Reality sucks, but it's smart. It's not that I'm talking from a heartbreaking experience that makes me this skeptical… but as you get older, you realize how the risk of heartbreak increases exponentially… and right now, its every woman for herself… to "man" up and face the rolls & punches of real life.  So for now, I'll close my story book but leave a bookmark, JUST IN CASE :p