night time isn't always for sleeping.

I have survived my first night shift. 7pm-7am. I am not going to lie, it was definitely NOT easy, but not as bad as I had imagined. It doesn't help that all the patient rooms are dark [to help the babies relax and fall asleep]... but when you work over night in a dark room, holding a tiny baby that barely fits in your arms in a rocking chair, swinging back and forth... you're just begging to fall asleep; It's not what I'd like to call an adrenaline rush.... but there's something about night shifts on the NICU that I just love. I haven't figured it out yet but everything on the unit just fascinates me. I am so glad that this has been everything I wanted and more, and I know it will only continue to exceedingly surpass my expectations.

At night, everything is [generally] quiet - you get accustomed to all the monitors & IV pumps going off;  the alarms and beeping almost become rhythmic background noise - its like a little secret dream land tucked away for tiny sick babies who need to sleep and just need to get better. 

Neonatal nursing is definitely where I am supposed to be. 

Because I am in love.

 Maybe I'm still in the honeymoon stage because I'm still a "noob"...  Regardless,

L.O.V.E, love.

 

It's weird because I Can't remember that last time I felt so passionate about something... It honestly feels SO GOOD to know that you have found yourself in a place doing something you LOVE; something that challenges, inspires and drives you... It's as if going to school for the past 15 years of my life and over 30Gs of student debt was worth it because  I'm finally here. (I just need to find a hospital to hire me)

Can't wait to see the rest of you guys here with me, because it feels  AMAZING. 

the march curse is officially broken.

Since March of 1999, I have suffered from what I would like to call my "March Curse."  It was usually associated with silly, mindless things like 'boy relations' or 'birthday blues' but regardless of whatever it was, or however stupid it was, it was a big deal for me then and something would always make feel extremely upset, disappointed, frustrated or make me cry.

Last year, 2009 was the first curse-less March, but I had to wait another year, just to make sure.... and this year's March couldn't have been better. Minus the stress of a 50% paper that was worth one full credit equivalent, 2010's March has been great! Good times, good laughs, great friends and most surprisingly, 2010 March made the list for "best birthdays" (this is surprising because I am usually a horrific birthday girl cynic). On top of this all, the last couple weeks have been jam packed with excitement and anticipation to finally finish school and start my practicum at Sick kids.  

I'm actually really happy right now with a lot of things in my life and I can't remember the last time I felt like this. It actually weirds me out re: how satisfied I am with life. [Don't get me wrong, I am still motivated to achieve my goals and refuse to be content with status quo]. It just feels so good to be without so much worry, concern and stress (especially compared to me at this time last year). It feels so good to be more relaxed, less uptight about things and to be without feelings of restlessness and anxiety when I'm not in control of things. Mind you, I am still meticulous in my ways and have OCD like tendencies when it comes to organization, but the more "laid back, go with the flow, let's see what happens" Jenni is a happier Jenni. Let's keep her around.

happy.

Someone once told me
That you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything

Don’t you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain
Cause love wont set you free

I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me
So what if I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound

Don’t care about other pain in front of me
Cause I’m just trying to be happy,
Just wanna be happy

... find out what makes you happy, and just do it. No experience, decision made should be regretted (especially if we learn more about ourselves through the process). ORR even worse, don't regret not doing something that would make you happy because its "safer" to be against it... In my opinion, I never want to wonder "what if..."

I think Leona has got it just right.

Doing the Unthinkable

One day, after a realllyyyy long, exhausting hike, you come up to a dark cave by the beach along the shore.... When the rain starts coming down. You want to go inside the cave because you want shelter and warmth and you know it will give you the satisfaction you need to stay protected from the rain. But you're debating if you should go in because its really dark inside and you don't know what to expect; you dont even have a flash light. Then, you see a BRIGHT YELLOW SIGN that says "CAUTION, BEARS INSIDE, ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK."

Would you be a fool for walking into the cave when there's a CLEAR SIGN advising you against such action? Or would you be a fool to sit outside of the cave, getting drenched (placing yourself at risk for pneumonia) and realizing the bears inside were baby cubs... all cuddly, warm and soft? Do you go in, respecting the cautionary tale, because you WANT to make sure there are no bears, to experience it for yourself (regardless of the warning) and face the potential danger of man eating bears? Or do we stay outside, because we know better than that!?

If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy?

ps. can u tell i like to talk in analogies?

... and the countdown begins.

I officially have 3 weeks of school left. I am 1 presentation, 1 paper and a bunch of random useless evaluations away from the freedom that will become me. April 9, 2010, my last ACADEMIC day of my nursing degree. WHO IS FREAAAKKINNNN EXCITED! Then I start my consolidation/final practicum at the Hospital for Sick Children at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for about 2 months. Excitement is definitely in the air. I can't wait to get back into the hospital and do the thing nurses do (haha). Then, for the big day, [drum roll please].... JUNE 24, 2010, I am officially done.... FOREVER!!! (or until I come back to do my Nurse Practitioner, but that's not for another 3 years, nor does that sound as dramatic as "Forever" so we will ignore that little detail).

Apparently, the world is telling me I need to be an adult soon with a career. Well I guess that only makes sense after pouring over 30Gs into my educations (aaaand that includes my 20G scholarship that helped buffer that cost)... So I better get a jump on that career if I want to start paying back my student loans. But seriously, who needs a Bachelor of Science ANDD a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. Whhhhattt I wastee of monnnnaayyy...

Dear OSAP,
Thank you for supporting me for the last 5 years through tuition, rent, groceries, bills and even supporting my shopping sprees and vacations. Its fun to reminisce about all those memorable moments we've shared... All the scares and angry times, when you told me you were only going to give me enough money to pay for HALF my tuition....AND remember that time you sent me a letter and made me cry because you told me I needed to give you all your money back even though I needed it? Thanks for all the good times and ALL THE MORE greatness that lies in our future.... I just ask of one thing, please be good to me in the years to come and I promise Ill try to make my payments on time.

Your long time companion and foe,

Jenni. aka. broke ass mother father who relies on you to live.

negative nine point eight meters per second squared.

i didn't realize what was happening,

so stop bringing me down.

i may have be prepared for the impact,

but i'm not ready to touch ground.

So I stretch out my arms,  hoping for air resistance.

I reach out my hands, looking for something to hold on to.

but it keeps working against me.

damn.

Reality bites.

... not only does it bite, it bites [hard] AND leaves a mark.

Frig.

So when reality bites, don't be a fool.... bite back.

Over the last couple of months, I've been getting to know myself a bit better...I've been learning about my  own boundaries and limits. Feeling out what I like, what I don't like. What I want, what I don't want. What I need, what I don't need. Things that make me uncomfortable, things that I am willing to try regardless of feeling uncomfortable. What I tend to do, what I would never do. Things I can tolerate and things I need to be more assertive about ...Its definitely been an interesting journey of self discovery.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a certain type of person. Predictable. But recently, I've come across a new box of crayons with a wide range of vibrant colours, colours I've never used before. Its not about the basic 8-pack anymore, but about busting out the 64-colour pack with the built in sharpener (who knew crayola would be so efficient). Who needs the standard blue, rose, violet and yellow when you can be using Magic mint, Jazzberry jam and Laser lemon. I cant help but explore and see what all the different colours look like and even dare say... to  colour outside the lines.

But as I'm colouring,  I come to realize, the template I thought I needed to follow isn't even there.... but I have a blank page of endless possibilities.  Colour away I say, Colour away ! Lets try out these bad boys and draw me an awesome picture. 

On a side note:

who remembers that movie?  The days before winona became a kleptomaniac?