CAUTION, Flammable.

Or at least I wish that was the sign on my heart. After yesterday’s sermon at church, I got a real REALITY CHECK. Even though I feel like I’ve heard the sermon about being a “lukewarm” Christian, over and over, it really only hit me this time around. Maybe it’s because I’ve either matured enough spiritually to admit my faults, or maybe it’s because it’s the only time I really felt like I could actually relate. Over the last couple of months, I’ve been comfortable, in status quo. I had no second thoughts about it. I thought I had “just enough God in my life” that both God and I would be happy (haha, right).

This “flame” of mine has definitely been flickering, but I barely noticed. I was so satisfied with being content, I didn’t seek out more. [How silly is that? Why drive a Civic when you can drive a Cadillac?] When you’re in a situation long enough, you get so used to it that you forget what once was, or what something could be… something better. My flame used to be this HUGE CRAZY FIRE… the kind where you could see the smoke and light from meters away (well maybe not meters, but a couple of steps… but in comparison, it’s a big deal). But over the years, it’s died down and I haven’t even tried to fan it, I haven’t bothered to do anything. Once in a while, I may have thrown in a couple of twigs to make sure it didn’t burn out… but no logs, no lighter fluid. I really need to bring it back. I want to be on FIRE again...to feel the intensity, the passion. I guess the first step is realizing it. Step 2, here I come.

There must be more than this
Oh breath of God, Come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill me anew I pray…

Consuming fire, fan into flame
A passion for you name
Spirit of God, fall in this place
Lord, have your way with me

where's my goose?

Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck….. duck, duck, duck, duck… and it goes ‘round and 'round. DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK! It just seems like it goes on forever...

You wait patiently until someone taps you on your head and yells “GOOSE!” giving you permission to get up and run your hardest; to run as fast as your legs will take you to your next destination (with respect to the game, it’s the exact same spot lol)

Over the last couple of months, I feel like I’ve been a sitting duck, waiting for my “goose.” I finished my nursing program a couple of months ago. However due to the set up of my program, I finished in June when most new nursing graduates finish in April. So basically, they beat you to the punch and get first dibbs on employment and we have to wait around until next season’s intake. So, I’ve been out of school for almost 3 months now, I have been applying to jobs for over 5 months. Positions in which don’t start until after September… so I patiently wait and wait and wait, hoping to hear back when the timing is more appropriate (closer to the hire date). QUAACCKKK!

People think that the job market for nursing is on fire and since the demand is so high, finding a job should be easy! Correction! YOU ARE WRONG. Despite the need and dire demand for more nurses, hospital budgets sometimes just can’t support their own need. What does that mean? Only a few positions open up. What does that mean? COMPETITION IS ON!

I had my first interview yesterday at Sick Kids. It was only a first level, HR screening interview, but it was so nerve racking, yet so exciting. You know, working at the Hospital for Sick Children is only my dream job (haha). I feel like it went well. I made sure to use all the right fluffy nursing buzz words (not that I don’t believe them to be true, but sometimes we embellish) . I received a lot of smiles, head nodding, “goods” and “greats” but she was an overall really nice woman so I couldn’t really gauge what was REALLY going on in her head. Did I sound fake? Did I sound rehearsed? REGARDLESS, now I wait and hope that she will pass my resume onto the units on the hospital that are still hiring and that the unit managers will feel compelled to call me for a second level interview. FINGERS CROSSED!!

One of my biggest fears is that, MY DREAM, MY DESIRES isn’t necessarily what God wants for me (I’d like to think that I have this deep desire because God planted it there). I want it so bad, that I’m hoping that, that’s what God has planned for me too (horrah!).  Lord, O sovereign God, almighty father in heaven, if this is your will, may I do all things through YOUR might and not my own. Bless me with patience & perseverance and may all my intentions be pure… to bring glory to YOUR name and kingdom in heaven.  In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Patience is a sign of good faith.  So I’ll sit here waiting, knowing and believing that God knows best and that things will come at the right time. As I wait God to call out “GOOSE” I will proceed patiently and continue to apply, apply, apply, apply!

So the wait continues. Duck, duck, duck duck…..

confessions continued...

I like to clean my house while in the nude (minus my trusty yellow gloves, obviously). Naked cleaning is awesome... until you get nasty splash back. True story.

Stupid in love.

Over the years as we inevitably experience life and mature (or at least most of us), the little girl starts to grow up into what is called "woman-hood." The fairytales begin to fade away as reality settles in. But what is it called when you seem to be in between? Caught in the middle? (As Britney would say, "not yet a girl, but not yet a woman" LOL). You go through harmless crushes; stalker-like, school-girl obsessions (no, just me? Haha) with all the butterflies and "melting". You have memorable relationships, those you wish to forget and those you have already forgotten; Then there's love and of course, heartbreak. I find that the older "women" in my life have crossed that bridge of sunshine & lollipops, into the cynical world of real life. Life where shit hits the fan, where you have bills to pay, where there are no pretty rainbows after thunderstorms  and where ice cream is no longer a tasty treat but a guilty pleasure that just makes you fat, and you come to learn this only after you realize, he's just not that into you.  Oh yea, and prince charming does not exist lol. [shock]. So sleeping beauty, get an alarm clock and wake yourself up; Cinderella, expect your fairy God mother to bill you for the outfit that was OBVIOUSLY, not in your budget; Snow white, you shoulda really learned the Heimlich maneuver. And Belle, OH Belle, I'm sorry but he's never going to change.

Is it that bad that I won't want to close my story book? Is it that bad I want to keep it open and wait, and hope for my happily ever after? Does that make me optimistic? Naïve? Or just stupid?

I used to be the BIGGEST, hopeless romantic (aka. Loser lol.) Head-over-heels for love. The "you're the only one for me, let's grow old together" kind of love. Simply put, I was in love with love… and a part of me still is (you don't forget your first love lol).  You think you have all the answers, but then you realize that everything isn't as its cracked up to be…. As I begin to cross the bridge into reality, the romantic in me starts to disappear. For one, it makes "love-life" more complicated than it is… you're left hoping that the guy you're with or want to be with, will be a prince charming, or that your "frog" will transform with time & patience…. But when he turns out  NOT being your knight in shining armor, what then? With all that build up, who wouldn't be disappointed or hurt?

Reality sucks, but it's smart. It's not that I'm talking from a heartbreaking experience that makes me this skeptical… but as you get older, you realize how the risk of heartbreak increases exponentially… and right now, its every woman for herself… to "man" up and face the rolls & punches of real life.  So for now, I'll close my story book but leave a bookmark, JUST IN CASE :p

thank you

Dear God,
Thank you for moments of happiness & laughter. Thank you for times of struggle and opportunities for strength, faith & perseverance. Thank you for all the things I take for granted. Thank you for being the graceful God that you are, who waits patiently every time I fall and embraces me with open arms even when I push you away. Thank you for blessing me with such wonderful & loving friends and family.  Thank you for loving me.

May I always remember to be thankful. Thank you. 

xoxo Jenni

head vs. heart

When you're going through a struggle, people usually tell you its just "mind over matter" but what happens when its the matter of the heart? I feel like there's always a tug-of-war between what's in your head and what's in your heart. A push & pull between what you know (or think you know) and what you feel (or think you feel)... but what do you really know and what do you really feel [?] especially if you don't know what you're feeling...

How do you just let it all become one? No more back and forth.. but just a stand still.

Confessions of ...

Since I do not have eventful moments in my life to share with you... because quite frankly, my life just isnt all that interesting.. I thought I would share some random information about me with you

1) I have minimal patience when I am tired, hungry and/or cranky. Although I can compose myself and remain polite... I HAVE NO TOLERANCE FOR IDIOT SERVERS who think they're cute by being "funny"... or who think they are flirting with you by delaying the process of receiving your desired food product. Secretly I wish for you to crawl into a cave and be eaten by bears who have woken up from hibernation.

Scenario A:  At timmie's in the morning needing a quick pick me since I am exhausted out of my senses (which are generally required on the job) and in a rush to get on the unit on time for shift change
Me: Can I have a Medium Regular
Cash: Sorry we're out of coffee, it'll be a 15 min wait
M: Seriously?
C: Sorry, Can I offer you some tea?
M: Ok, I'll have a med green tea
C: Sorry out of that too
M: (wtfrig, u gotta be kidding me) Ummm OK, early grey then
C: All we have is peppermint
M: Seriously? then WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
C:  Just jokkkinnngg, you wanted a coffee right? 

Scenario B: At subway, getting my toppings on my sub. Famished, starved....I haven't had anything to eat since my bowl of cereal and just pulled a hectic 12 hr shift.
Me: I'll have everything except for pickles
Boy: Everything?
Me: except for the pickles
Boy: You want this? (points to EACH TOPPING, as I nod yes and go through each topping with a fake smile as he is trying to be funny)
Me: Can I have a lot of onions please?
Boy: Is this enough? (Essentially grabbing all the contents in the tin in his plastic covered hand)
Me:  No, not that much .. (With a weak laugh)
Boy:  This much? (Drops all the onions and grabs a pinch)
Me: Haha. no a little more (you stupid idiot, i hate you so much right now)

CUT THE CRAP AND JUST GIVE ME MY  FREAKINNN FOOD!

1b) I love food. Consumption of food is NEVER A JOKING MATTER.

2)I find it absolutely refreshing to have a good, I mean GOOD, ddong. In other words, laying a deuce, #2, passing stool, clearing your bowels... good old poo. Without exertion or use of the valsalva maneuver, the ease of perfect passage. ANNND its THAT much better when there is minimal scent associated with the act.... so that you don't have to worry about the next person who's going to go into the washroom after you. Complete satisfaction.

3) When I check out men in public, after the initial assessment of face and clothes.... my eyes IMMEDIATELY go to their shoes. Why? I don't know. I don't even have a shoe fetish like many girls do. Don't get me wrong, I love pretty shoes... but probably own about 5 that I actually wear. For some reason it is a complete turn off when I see men in track-running shoes as everyday wear shoes.... when the laces are so tightly criss-crossed that the tip of the shoe begins to curl up.... or when your shoes look like you they have been sitting in a bucket of mud and its obvious you are NOT a labour worker.....*shudder*  One of my weird superficial and shallow confessions.

4) I have a salt tooth. As many people have a sugar tooth and crave sweets and chocolate, I crave salty foods. I'll try to avoid the craving because they are usually associated with foods in the genre of JUNK... but once I have a craving, no food can fill the void and hence I binge and over eat on other foods that are not as satisfying... and end up consuming more fats and calories than the intial craving.  It is quite upsetting and pathetic.

5) I get pleasure from cleaning and organizing. When I am stressed or upset, my favourite past time is to clean, tidy and reorganize my room. It feels soooo good to see a clean room.... to open my drawers and closet and see my clothes neatly folded (in a specific pattern for different types of clothes and placed in a specific direction) and hung (all facing a the same direction - face to the right - and particular order). It irritates me when you mess the order up. People have tested it and have felt my wrath.

... just sayin'