um-bur-el-la...

When the sun shines, we shine together.
Told you I'd be here forever,
That I'd always be your friend.
Took an oath, gonna stick it out to the end
Now that it's raining more than ever,
Know that we still have each other.
You can stand under my umbrella,
You can stand under my umbrella.



Taking a side from the fact that the word "umbrella" is a only 3 syllable word and Rhianna managed to stretch it out into 4, the lyrics to this song are quite nice and are pretty sweet.

You can run into my arms,
It's OK don't be alarmed. Come into me.
So gonna let the rain pour,
I'll be all you need and more.

Because...
When the sun shines, we shine together.
Told you I'd be here forever,
That I'd always be your friend.
Took an oath, gonna stick it out to the end.
Now that it's raining more than ever,
Know that we still have each other.
You can stand under my umbrella,
You can stand under my umbrella.


... Just note I'm pretty short. A whole 155cm and counting. So you may have to crouch down a bit (or a lot). Or if you just want some company jumping puddles, I'm down. And if you need em, I have rubber boots too. They're purple.

... just sayin'

it's the most -not-so- wonderful time of the year...

Over the past couple of weeks, it has been an unusually upsetting/disappointing time to see back-to-school deals/promos and to pass by G&T and/or Staples (formerly Business Depot... I remember being so upset that they changed the name, who knows why... That transition was a difficult one for me... Metro on the other hand did not phase me... but it's probably because I had some weird attachment to Business Depot...anyway?? ). Why? I did not get to partake in one of my most FAVOUUURRIITEEE activities of the year: Back to school shopping. End of august always gets me nostalgic as I think about fresh, crisp, new, lined Hilroy paper. Max 8 per household, 44 cents per package. To maximize on the deal, my sister and I would have to stand in different lines at cash out. 44 cents, a serious steal (or at least it was, when it was 44 cents... stupid inflation). Papermate/BIC pens, 2HB pencils, pencil sharpener, pencil crayons, duo-tangs, scissors and glue sticks. If I was lucky I'd get a new pencil case (wuuudduppp!). Memories of happily & eagerly  pushing the shopping cart down the designated aisles, while I asked my dad if I could get whatever item I had in my hand,  truly believing I REALLYYYY & actually needed it in order to excel at school and be an optimal student. In middle school, the hype was all about FIVE STAR ZIP UP BINDERS that you ended up destroying by covering it in white-out drawings & your friend's signatures - Jenni wuz here (stupid kids). As I got older, it went onto lead pencils, gel pens, high-lighters galore, roll on-dry white-out (no more waiting for it to dry, no more clumps… even though one of my fave things to do was to paint my nails with white out), post its, INK!, printer paper and binders.  The high-school hype was all about the translucent plastic binders with the different colours on the spine (purple, pink, orange, green). I used to always ask my papabear to buy those binders for me but his rebuttal was always "why would we buy those for 3 bucks each when we could get the cardboard ones for 99 cents?" For real.  Good thinking pops, cuz they ended up breaking on my friends all the time. suckers. Back to school always brings back good memories, good times..... this time of year is usually always so exciting - riping open the packages and organizing your brand new supplies- O, the complete awe!

Maybe I'm more upset because I am no longer a student and have no need to go "back to school shopping." This mere thought freaks me out. I've been going to school 19 years now (did I do that math right?) and I don't know how to be anything else. I am a student, or when you get into university, a number and walking dollar signs $$ (haha). Does this mean I'm supposed to be an adult now? Not to mention, in a couple of months I'm expected to be a HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL? Oh dear goodness... Responsibilities, Accountability.... Real life. Scary….. Right?!?!

But I have been able to supress the fears of adulthood as I have been studying for my Nursing Lisencing/Certification Exam. Just because you have a Bachelor of Science in Nursing, doesn't mean you are a nurse… yet.  So over the last couple of weeks I have resumed the life of a student, studying for dear life.  Due to my crunch time, I started a strict schedule with very little room for leighway.

My days kinda look like this:
0745: Wake up
0900-1600: Work
1700-1900: Exercise/Work out & shower
1900: Dinner
1930:  Study until brain shuts down
(0100-0300) to 0745: Sleep

Repeat.

Having structure back in my day is so refreshing. Without school, my life feels unorganized, almost chaotic.  Having too much time on your hands is a little scary. Too much room for flexibility, no routine….. So as soon as I started studying again, I was able to have structure/routine in my life again…. Mind you, I have no time for a social life, but I feel organized again… and for those who know me, know how much I LOOOVEEEEEE organization. YAY FOR NERDINESS!

The countdown begins, I have about 3 weeks until my exam that will determine whether or not I am fit to be a Registered Nurse… no shitting around folks. Socialization & Procrastination is not permitted (although inefficiency, unproductivity and of course well deserved "study breaks" are not accounted for in this no procrastination rule... We can't control everythingggg now, C'mon).

To be a nurse, or not a nurse... To be continued.

CAUTION, Flammable.

Or at least I wish that was the sign on my heart. After yesterday’s sermon at church, I got a real REALITY CHECK. Even though I feel like I’ve heard the sermon about being a “lukewarm” Christian, over and over, it really only hit me this time around. Maybe it’s because I’ve either matured enough spiritually to admit my faults, or maybe it’s because it’s the only time I really felt like I could actually relate. Over the last couple of months, I’ve been comfortable, in status quo. I had no second thoughts about it. I thought I had “just enough God in my life” that both God and I would be happy (haha, right).

This “flame” of mine has definitely been flickering, but I barely noticed. I was so satisfied with being content, I didn’t seek out more. [How silly is that? Why drive a Civic when you can drive a Cadillac?] When you’re in a situation long enough, you get so used to it that you forget what once was, or what something could be… something better. My flame used to be this HUGE CRAZY FIRE… the kind where you could see the smoke and light from meters away (well maybe not meters, but a couple of steps… but in comparison, it’s a big deal). But over the years, it’s died down and I haven’t even tried to fan it, I haven’t bothered to do anything. Once in a while, I may have thrown in a couple of twigs to make sure it didn’t burn out… but no logs, no lighter fluid. I really need to bring it back. I want to be on FIRE again...to feel the intensity, the passion. I guess the first step is realizing it. Step 2, here I come.

There must be more than this
Oh breath of God, Come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill me anew I pray…

Consuming fire, fan into flame
A passion for you name
Spirit of God, fall in this place
Lord, have your way with me

where's my goose?

Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck….. duck, duck, duck, duck… and it goes ‘round and 'round. DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK! It just seems like it goes on forever...

You wait patiently until someone taps you on your head and yells “GOOSE!” giving you permission to get up and run your hardest; to run as fast as your legs will take you to your next destination (with respect to the game, it’s the exact same spot lol)

Over the last couple of months, I feel like I’ve been a sitting duck, waiting for my “goose.” I finished my nursing program a couple of months ago. However due to the set up of my program, I finished in June when most new nursing graduates finish in April. So basically, they beat you to the punch and get first dibbs on employment and we have to wait around until next season’s intake. So, I’ve been out of school for almost 3 months now, I have been applying to jobs for over 5 months. Positions in which don’t start until after September… so I patiently wait and wait and wait, hoping to hear back when the timing is more appropriate (closer to the hire date). QUAACCKKK!

People think that the job market for nursing is on fire and since the demand is so high, finding a job should be easy! Correction! YOU ARE WRONG. Despite the need and dire demand for more nurses, hospital budgets sometimes just can’t support their own need. What does that mean? Only a few positions open up. What does that mean? COMPETITION IS ON!

I had my first interview yesterday at Sick Kids. It was only a first level, HR screening interview, but it was so nerve racking, yet so exciting. You know, working at the Hospital for Sick Children is only my dream job (haha). I feel like it went well. I made sure to use all the right fluffy nursing buzz words (not that I don’t believe them to be true, but sometimes we embellish) . I received a lot of smiles, head nodding, “goods” and “greats” but she was an overall really nice woman so I couldn’t really gauge what was REALLY going on in her head. Did I sound fake? Did I sound rehearsed? REGARDLESS, now I wait and hope that she will pass my resume onto the units on the hospital that are still hiring and that the unit managers will feel compelled to call me for a second level interview. FINGERS CROSSED!!

One of my biggest fears is that, MY DREAM, MY DESIRES isn’t necessarily what God wants for me (I’d like to think that I have this deep desire because God planted it there). I want it so bad, that I’m hoping that, that’s what God has planned for me too (horrah!).  Lord, O sovereign God, almighty father in heaven, if this is your will, may I do all things through YOUR might and not my own. Bless me with patience & perseverance and may all my intentions be pure… to bring glory to YOUR name and kingdom in heaven.  In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Patience is a sign of good faith.  So I’ll sit here waiting, knowing and believing that God knows best and that things will come at the right time. As I wait God to call out “GOOSE” I will proceed patiently and continue to apply, apply, apply, apply!

So the wait continues. Duck, duck, duck duck…..

confessions continued...

I like to clean my house while in the nude (minus my trusty yellow gloves, obviously). Naked cleaning is awesome... until you get nasty splash back. True story.

Stupid in love.

Over the years as we inevitably experience life and mature (or at least most of us), the little girl starts to grow up into what is called "woman-hood." The fairytales begin to fade away as reality settles in. But what is it called when you seem to be in between? Caught in the middle? (As Britney would say, "not yet a girl, but not yet a woman" LOL). You go through harmless crushes; stalker-like, school-girl obsessions (no, just me? Haha) with all the butterflies and "melting". You have memorable relationships, those you wish to forget and those you have already forgotten; Then there's love and of course, heartbreak. I find that the older "women" in my life have crossed that bridge of sunshine & lollipops, into the cynical world of real life. Life where shit hits the fan, where you have bills to pay, where there are no pretty rainbows after thunderstorms  and where ice cream is no longer a tasty treat but a guilty pleasure that just makes you fat, and you come to learn this only after you realize, he's just not that into you.  Oh yea, and prince charming does not exist lol. [shock]. So sleeping beauty, get an alarm clock and wake yourself up; Cinderella, expect your fairy God mother to bill you for the outfit that was OBVIOUSLY, not in your budget; Snow white, you shoulda really learned the Heimlich maneuver. And Belle, OH Belle, I'm sorry but he's never going to change.

Is it that bad that I won't want to close my story book? Is it that bad I want to keep it open and wait, and hope for my happily ever after? Does that make me optimistic? Naïve? Or just stupid?

I used to be the BIGGEST, hopeless romantic (aka. Loser lol.) Head-over-heels for love. The "you're the only one for me, let's grow old together" kind of love. Simply put, I was in love with love… and a part of me still is (you don't forget your first love lol).  You think you have all the answers, but then you realize that everything isn't as its cracked up to be…. As I begin to cross the bridge into reality, the romantic in me starts to disappear. For one, it makes "love-life" more complicated than it is… you're left hoping that the guy you're with or want to be with, will be a prince charming, or that your "frog" will transform with time & patience…. But when he turns out  NOT being your knight in shining armor, what then? With all that build up, who wouldn't be disappointed or hurt?

Reality sucks, but it's smart. It's not that I'm talking from a heartbreaking experience that makes me this skeptical… but as you get older, you realize how the risk of heartbreak increases exponentially… and right now, its every woman for herself… to "man" up and face the rolls & punches of real life.  So for now, I'll close my story book but leave a bookmark, JUST IN CASE :p

thank you

Dear God,
Thank you for moments of happiness & laughter. Thank you for times of struggle and opportunities for strength, faith & perseverance. Thank you for all the things I take for granted. Thank you for being the graceful God that you are, who waits patiently every time I fall and embraces me with open arms even when I push you away. Thank you for blessing me with such wonderful & loving friends and family.  Thank you for loving me.

May I always remember to be thankful. Thank you. 

xoxo Jenni